Remember all the Stops: Denial, Anger, Depression, Survival. Acceptance.
I realize my grief is a little unusual–the grief of losing a child.
It’s against the natural order that parents outlive their children.
The death of a child is unnatural and unfair.
It never occurred to me that I would bury my son.
It came out of nowhere.
And so for me, Depression lasted for years and years(12 years).
On the outside, no one could tell.
Not even me.
I acted my way thru so much during the first 12 years: the death of my father 6 months after Ryan; the births of my third and fourth sons; and our family’s move from Texas to Alabama.
Everything was on autopilot. My Depression happened on such a subconscious level that I couldn’t recognize it or name it.
But the symptoms were there: lack of interest, low energy, and no creativity.
So, I got off the Train at the Survival Stop, built a home and am living there now.
When you’re just surviving, the best thing you can do is survive, while fully functioning.
On our Train, Survival is a full Stop, and Acceptance is something I’ll take up later with the good Lord.
I’m surviving, but I’m not accepting Ryan’s death.
I just can’t get there now, besides, I know the neighborhood here.
I’m not lost.