Category: Grief

I’m STILL ME
Grief · healing-over-pain · Hope · wounded healer

I’m STILL ME

dawnhirnLeave a comment

Meet Sydney.Screen Shot 2019-10-21 at 6.57.38 PM

“My accident and rescue were like a miracle.

Here’s why.

My dad is a firefighter.

Really, he’s the battalion chief.

Which means he is not required to go to the scene of accidents.

He has a desk job.

But that afternoon, he overheard a call come in and something told him to respond to the accident personally.

When he got to the scene, he saw that it was my car and it was on fire.

He jumped out of his truck and ran to my car and, finding me unconscious, he got me out of the car and into the ambulance.

Remember I was unconscious the whole time.

I finally woke up in the hospital. I really didn’t know what had happened to me, but I was burned pretty bad.Screen Shot 2019-10-21 at 7.17.40 PM

They started telling me my story.

I kept thinking, “If it weren’t for my dad…if it weren’t for my dad.”

He saved me.

He saved my life.

Just after my accident, after the hospital, before I went back to school, I worried about the normal things a 16-year-old girl worries about; “with all my scars, will I have ever have a date or a boyfriend? “

I was so self-conscious about my scars!

But, then, all that worry hit me in the opposite way.

I became proud of my scars.

Can you believe it? They made me feel special.

Because I realized I’m still me!

 

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard.

Many times I would slip into the bathroom at school to cry.

After a while, when they stared at me, I stopped feeling ashamed.

Here’s why.

I kind of understood where they were coming from.

I remembered that I had done the same thing. I’d stared at people who looked different, too. 

My dream is to be a nurse.

I want to treat pediatric burn survivors.Screen Shot 2019-10-21 at 7.00.28 PM

I can really understand what’s going on inside them because I’ve been there myself.

I can help them through all the stages of fear and recovery because I’ve walked the same path they have and we’re still walking together.

No matter what, I will always be a burn survivor. “

dawn

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Faith · Grief · Hope

Firefighters rush into the burning Towers (d.343)

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 At 8:45 A.M. on September 11, 2001, an airplane slammed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center.

9:11 ff going in

I thought it was a horrible piece of flying since three airports were in close proximity.

But, then, twenty minutes later, most of us saw for ourselves a second airplane slamming into the South Tower, and exploded like a ball of fire.

This was no accident.

It was a deliberate act of aggression.

Thirty-five minutes later a third plane crashed into the Pentagon leaving a gaping hole in its side.

The fourth plane crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

As for the death count, 2996 men and women died in the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Firefighters Todd Heaney and Frankie DiLeo, of Engine 209, c

And the World Trade Center was gone for good.

Americans of sixty national backgrounds were in the towers.

But as horrific as that was, the terrorists struck every one of us. 

Firefighters Raise A U.S. Flag At The Site Of The World Trade Center

This morning, my dear friends, I am crying again, while at the same time, my heart swells with respect and deep gratitude for the New York City Fire Departments(FDNY).

Ten House(fire station next door) arrived first and rushed into the Towers.

Two-hundred-fourteen fire vehicles (44 units) responded.

Over the past 6 months, I have met more than 600 firefighters throughout Alabama, Texas, and Florida.

I look into their eyes and every time I see the same single-minded commitment as the brave ones in New York. 

We stand and raise our voices to shout our praise to them, to sing our love to them, to honor their sacrifices, and to continue the sweet melodies of their lives.

We proclaim the land where they died a sacred place, where they showed us a degree of vulnerability far beyond our imagination.

Living well and loving courageously is our best revenge. 

Screen Shot 2019-09-10 at 3.18.49 PM

dawn

BTW-(If this is something that you would like to support, please visit us at www.ryanshines.com or follow us on FB and IG @dawnraymondhirn)

 

Encouragement · Grief · Hope · wounded healer

Becoming a Blessings-girl

dawnhirnLeave a comment

We finished talking about “Hope’s” answers to my deepest questions.

I hope you have learned as much as the boys and I have.  

road school
Colton & Trenton studying in the shadow of the Taj Mahal

Today our focus is about living in Blessings instead of crumbling under a Curse.

I usually think that it’s one or the other.

If you feel cursed, we tend to believe that it is the only reality within us.

Original Love

Like if you are angry, anger is the only reality in your life.

But you are MORE than your anger!  

I am MORE than my grief.

Getting through my own loss took more than a decade.

But I’ve changed. (It’s never too late).

present

I am a Blessings–Girl now.

Dawn                  

To be continued…

 

Encouragement · Grief · Hope · wounded healer

Winter to Spring

dawnhirnLeave a comment

It looks like I’m pondering in this pic. fullsizeoutput_457f.jpeg 

And I guess I am.

I’m pondering the weather.

When everything turns cold and bare, some of us tend to believe that it’s winter in our souls too.

It’s a kind of winter that seems like it will never end.

All the leaves on our Tree of Hope are gone, and we feel barren.

I have to admit that when Ryan was killed in the fire, it took years before there was anything green growing on my bare branches.

It’s when you think you have only one season in your life–winter.

And you get to where you stop expecting springtime and stay under the covers to sleep it off.

Maybe you’ve heard the voices in your head that keep saying, “Don’t get up, don’t get up!”

Can you identify?download

Or, is it like you have only one word in your vocabulary;  “Unfair!”

And it repeats like an echo.

Girl, I do understand the unfairness of life, and feeling like you’ve been robbed of your future.

You might be close to giving in or giving up.

That’s the bad news, but here’s the good news…Spring always follows Winter.

It’s as perennial as perennials.

And Spring is best spent with somebody you love. (“I” to “We”)

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Tyler(3)

Dawn

 

These are my thoughts today. Please join my daily Instagram @dawnraymondhirn

 

True Confession: My private ride on the Grief Train
Encouragement · Grief · Hope · wounded Mother

True Confession: My private ride on the Grief Train

dawnhirnLeave a comment

Remember all the Stops: Denial, Anger, Depression, Survival. Acceptance.

I realize my grief is a little unusual–the grief of losing a child.

fullsizeoutput_3d53

It’s against the natural order that parents outlive their children.

The death of a child is unnatural and unfair.

It never occurred to me that I would bury my son.

It came out of nowhere.

And so for me, Depression lasted for years and years(12 years).

On the outside, no one could tell.

Not even me.

I acted my way thru so much during the first 12 years: the death of my father 6 months after Ryan; the births of my third and fourth sons; and our family’s move from Texas to Alabama.

Everything was on autopilot. My Depression happened on such a subconscious level that I couldn’t recognize it or name it.

But the symptoms were there: lack of interest,  low energy, and no creativity.

So, I got off the Train at the Survival Stop, built a home and am living there now.

railroad

When you’re just surviving, the best thing you can do is survive, while fully functioning.

On our Train, Survival is a full Stop, and Acceptance is something I’ll take up later with the good Lord.

I’m surviving, but I’m not accepting Ryan’s death.

Maker:0x4c,Date:2017-12-6,Ver:4,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar01,E-ve
Tyler’s HS Graduation ’18

 

 

I just can’t get there now, besides, I know the neighborhood here.

I’m not lost.

dawn

 

Our Journey together on the Grief Train
Encouragement · Faith · Grief · Hope

Our Journey together on the Grief Train

dawnhirnLeave a comment

Remember every STOP:   Denial. Anger. Depression. Survival. Acceptance.

train asey-horner-490781-unsplash
The Grief Train

 

So, here’s the first stop.

Denial.

Which means, “This is a nightmare I’m going to wake up out of, and Ryan will still be here.” Don’t be shocked at that. None of us are prepared to entertain the thought, “it never happened” for very long. You’ve thought it, now feel it. Nobody knows how long each Stop lasts.

Maybe, for some of us, the rest of our life.

rail stat eric-muhr-636819-unsplash.jpgFor instance, we build a home at the next Stop(the Anger Stop) because we ’re still mad at God, or someone else.

Of course, we are!

Don’t deny your anger!

Feel it…

The church often tells those of us in grief, “don’t be mad at God!”

I say, “Be as mad as you need to be. God can take it.”

So, spend as much time as you need there.

You might even find you need to return to this Stop again and again.

It’s OK. You’re the engineer.

There will always be the opportunity to move forward or return to this Stop.

God built that into our Journey together.

girl thinking railroad kyle-broad-29486-unsplash

So maybe you’ve left the Anger Stop for now, and Depression has set in. (Mine lasted twelve years.)

You’re on the pills longer than you wanted.

Don’t stew over the length of your stay.

Just survive. It is enough just to survive.

Stop at the Survival Stop. There’s a red light there. Stop. Don’t run it.

And remember God doesn’t take shortcuts, so stick as close to Him as you can.

woman & cross keem-ibarra-560576-unsplash.jpg

 

Where you are right now is not necessarily your ultimate destination.

 

And if you need to invent a world where tragedy doesn’t happen, invent the world.

 

Or, reinvent your world.

 

I’m wondering where you see yourself on “The Grief Train?”

dawn

 

Monday..  my personal journey…

 

Riding The Grief Train
Encouragement · Grief · Hope · wounded healer

Riding The Grief Train

dawnhirnLeave a comment

I told you we were going to get thru this together. And here’s how.

When I was a little girl, there was a miniature train at the park. And you would board the train and it might have a Putt-Putt Golf Stop, a Botanical Garden Stop, or a Horseback Riding Stop where you can get off for a while.

Now I’m building my own railroad, with a miniature train called “The Grief Train.” And every Stop comes from the ride of my own life.

Here are the Stops this train will make:

  • Denial
  •  Anger
  • Depression
  • Survival
  • Acceptance (You will notice I never get to the “Acceptance” Stop.)

I can’t.

I cannot accept Ryan’s death. But that’s just me.

On this train, I won’t suggest you stay on it all the way till the end, without getting off, like well-meaning church people tend to.  I will encourage you to get off at every Stop, for however long you need to, including the ones you don’t want to get off at.

rail station juniperphoton-722096-unsplash

None of the Stops should be confused with your ultimate Destination. But they can be.

It’s your train too if you’re up for the ride.

God might suggest we make every Stop because God is all about learning, and the way we learn is to go thru every Stop of the learning process.

Stop, unboard the train, listen and learn what’s there, embrace it as best you can, and move on whenever you’re ready. No shortcuts.

This is not microwavable.

That’s not how God ‘bakes’ a person. We’re more like God’s personal crock pot. Low heat, all day long unlike American gods (money, power).  

images-1

God’s favorite speed is slow.

dawn

Will continue…

#myscars, #grieftrain

 

Good news and Bad news
Encouragement · Faith · Grief · wounded Mother

Good news and Bad news

dawnhirn1 Comment

I mentioned last time that I am beginning to find the beauty in my scars and to honor that beauty. It’s easy to say, but it’s taken me 17 years (one day at a time) to get to where I can even talk to you about it today.

IMG_7213

I showed you what the fire did to my legs. That scarring has been hard enough to deal with.

But there’s another scar deeper than the scars on my legs, it’s the scar behind any scar on my body.

It’s the scar that won’t heal, that chases me wherever I go.

It’s the scar way deeper than any scar you can see with the naked eye.

It is the scar that Ryan’s death left on my heart.

I see the scars on my legs every day but they always lead me back to Ryan’s face.

Ryan
Ryan

I WILL NEVER OVERCOME THAT! How can a mother overcome the death of her child? She can’t.

Let’s say God came to me during the first days of my loss and said, “Dawn, I have good news and bad news for you, which do you want first?”

And I say, “Lord, give me the bad news first.”

And God says, “ It’s gonna take you 17 years to really begin to see the Light.”

And I say, “ I can’t make it 17 years, not 7 years, not 7 hours.”

And God says, “ But that’s exactly where the good news comes in. You’re gonna make it.  You’ re not going to kill yourself. We’re gonna go thru it together. And you’ll come out on the other side a stronger person,  with a Mission the size of which you can’t comprehend right now.”

RY shines 2

To you, friend, I’m going to say the same thing to you that God said to me, “ We are going to get thru this together.”

I mean it!

dawn

Stay tuned..

http://www.ryanshines.com

Grief · wounded healer · wounded Mother

A Mother’s #1 job

dawnhirn2 Comments

A Mother’s number one job is Not to ”secure your own mask before securing the mask of your child.”

mom child marcelo-silva-385218-unsplash.jpg

 

Job numero uno is to take a round from a rifle for your kid. Like it or not, Moms, we are their saviors. As I’ve said before, I wanted to save my seven-and-a-half son, Ryan, from the fire. Not only did I not save him, I never got to him. I ran.

Ryan burned to death.

rose masaaki-komori-582888-unsplash.jpg

 

 

 No mother could fail more completely.  And I will never get over it however old I get.        I hear what you’re saying:

‘‘It was an accident, Dawn.”’

“You did the best you could, Dawn.”

”Ryan is better off, Dawn.”

“Imagine all the future problems God protected Ryan from, Dawn!”

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Is that all you got? Fuggedaboutit! There is nothing you can say that I haven’t heard already. And this tragedy cannot be understood unless you are a member of a very small sorority of mothers whose young child died violently. (It’s the Sorority nobody rushes!) 

It has taken me seventeen years (6,205 nights) to say what I’ve said to you today. What have I learned?

God is the President of our Sorority.

footprints in sand genevieve-dallaire-430883-unsplash.jpg

dawn

 

Grief · Hope · wounded healer · wounded Mother

“7 Things I learned from my son”

dawnhirn1 Comment

There’s no way in Hell that I would have considered doing the mommy job of preparing the funeral for my baby boy. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally, not psychologically, not spiritually, not nothingly. It’ll take everything I’ve got to sit thru it.

backlit dark face lady

Ryan’s funeral could have been the ‘worst of the worst nights of my life.’

But Ron saved the day. He got his heartbroken self up in front of everyone, and told them the “7 things I learned from my Son.” Let me tell you some of what he said that afternoon.

fullsizeoutput_18f9

 

“When my son, Ryan, came along, I prided myself on teaching him the alphabet and soccer and flattered myself that I was a good teacher, but as I look back I now see that I was actually still learning and that I was still learning more important lessons than I was teaching.

Lesson 1- Appreciate Life

Lesson 2- Smiles are Infectious

Lesson 3- Explore your world

Lesson 4- Don’t take yourself too seriously

Lesson 5- Don’t confuse intelligence with experience

Lesson 6- Charity means giving when it hurts

Lesson 7- …and the greatest of these is Love.”

ryan laughing
Ryan

 

That, my friends, should tell you the kind of son we enjoyed in Ryan.

dawn