Author: dawnhirn

Infertility!(part 1)
Encouragement · Family · Parenting

Infertility!(part 1)

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I’ll go out on a limb here and bring up the subject of infertility. It’s such a private issue for those couples desperate to conceive their own child and it is seldom discussed in public. But it impacts more people than you can count and runs the gamut from A – C:

A- ‘No hope’   

B- ‘Slim chance’

C- ‘50/50’

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It can really mess with your head.

For some couples, it can lead to pain, heartache, and spending more cash than you ever imagined. It breaks individuals, it breaks relationships and it breaks the bank.

Not to mention how unsexy it is?

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Those of you who have experienced infertility know exactly what I’m talking about. You learned it the hard way.  

So when Ron and I wanted to start a family, it wasn’t quick and easy. When we didn’t conceive after a year of trying, we were baffled.

How could this be? We both worked out daily, we ate healthily and were not overweight, and, unlike some unsuspecting high school girls, we WANTED to get pregnant.

Which is strange in itself because for most of my life, I did not want kids. Maybe my body was getting back at me for saying that.

Hirns romance

Or, do you think it might be God?

dawn

(Part 2 coming…)

#ryanshines#infertility

Is there Light in every darkness?
Encouragement · Faith · Hope · wounded Mother

Is there Light in every darkness?

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When I saw Ron without Ryan in his arms, all I could see was a NO written across my heart in indelible ink.

I assume you’re familiar with ‘the big NO,’ right? I’m wondering if you found Light in your own darkness? Or is that too naive?

With time, I began to see a little Light, like a nightlight in the corner. It wasn’t as bright as I wished, but it was Light, and I decided to take what I could get.

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When I began to focus on the Light, instead of the darkness, I saw that the Light began to intensify.

That’s when I learned 2 things:

  1. There is no power in the darkness that can extinguish this little Light of ours.

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      2. And if you look closely, you will find that your Light has a face. In my case, it was      my 2-year-old son, Tyler, who became the human face of God for me.

dawn

If there’s someone you know who needs this, please share.

#ryanshines#lightindarkness

Faith · Hope · wounded healer · wounded Mother

From “Why me, Lord?” to Why me, Lord?

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At first, I felt robbed when Ryan died. Like, “Why me, Lord?” Where’s my miracle since You are the Supreme Being on the Supreme Court?

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I grew up believing that God can fix what’s broken, or at least, give a heads-up. But we were hung out to dry. No warning. So, naturally, I began to look for who to blame. I finally said it face-to-face,

“It’s all Your fault, God.”

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This rocked my Friendship with God, and if I’m not mistaken, we broke up for a while because placing blame was the only way I knew to get clear of this. To shed my skin like a snake and move on.

But as time passed, I discovered the real Answer to the question, “Why me, Lord?”

What did I do to deserve this Grace? Nothing.

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That’s when I realized this is about God, not me. Grace is a gift from the hand of God whose face looks very much like my 2-year-old, Tyler, my little miracle worker.

 

Why me, Lord?

Dawn

If there is someone in your orbit who needs this, please share.

#ryanshines#grace

 

 

 

Faith · Family · wounded Mother

Everything happens for a Reason

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If I had a nickel for every time someone told me there’s a ‘Reason’ for Ryan dying, I’d be rich. As if it was all part of the Plan.

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At first, it brought me comfort, because that meant that nothing was my fault.

It’s all ‘on God.’

But the older I get and the deeper I understand God, I realize that there is not a ‘Reason’ behind everything happening. Some things are just plain wrong and that’s all there is to it. Like the Holocaust. There is no good ‘Reason’ behind it. It’s insane is what it is! It is pure wickedness and you can’t clean it up by coming up with a ‘Reason.’

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It’s the same with Ryan.

I’m not denying that good things haven’t come from his dying. His 2 brothers, Trenton and Colton, wouldn’t be here if Ryan had lived.

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Trenton & Colton

But that ’s not enough to convince me that Ryan needed to be ‘gotten out of the way’ for our future to continue.

Be careful when you say that ‘God engineers everything that happens.’ Because, if we know anything about God, it’s that “God is Love.”

dawn

Please feel free to share this.

#ryanshines#godislove

Faith · Hope · wounded Mother

A Severe Mercy

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Our tragedy shows us a clear picture of the Mercy of God when he entered the fire and took Ryan home just before the possibility of Ryan burning up in horrible pain.

God saved Ryan not ‘from’ the fire but ‘in’ the fire.

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Ryan was in shock so God came to him and took him Home before the fire could eat him alive. I have to believe that to survive this.  Besides, this is what God does, right? Mercy is God’s middle name.

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Nobody gets out of this life without needing Mercy on a daily basis.

When we hurt the people we love,  if there is no Mercy in the equation, then the relationship is often lost. We give Mercy, and we receive Mercy.

The clearest picture of Mercy I’ve ever seen is when Ryan was trapped in the backseat, in such shock that he couldn’t unlock his seat belt.

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So, in Mercy, God himself came to Ryan to do what Ryan couldn’t do for himself. God freed him, took him into his arms, and carried him Home before the fire got it’s wicked wish to destroy him.

I believe that at the end of time when I meet God face-to-face, he will smell like smoke. Because, to me, that’s how Mercy smells.

dawn

Please feel free to share this with anyone you feel needs it.

#ryanshines#mercy

Faith · Family

Ryan is 24!

dawnhirn2 Comments

Ryan would be 24 this year. That’s a lot of candles! Notice Ryan playing with his dinosaurs in the tub? If he were here today, I know his forwarding address would be Jurassic Park.

Have you noticed that the most difficult day of the year is the birthday of someone we loved and lost? Ryan’s birthday is always the worst day of the year for me. And the question that always surfaces on Ryan’s birthday is:

How do we celebrate his life in the middle of such darkness?

What do you do on their special day? We have an icecream cake with candles, pass out presents to his brothers from him, and play videos of Ryan’s Shining.    

Happy Birthday, Ry-Ry!

Mom

#ryanshines#birthdayboy

Perfecting Dysfunction · wounded healer · wounded Mother

Taking a bullet for your child

dawnhirn8 Comments

I swore that I would take a bullet for my sons.

But when it came down to it, I ducked. I knew I would take that bullet, but when it comes down to it our instinct is to save ourselves. That’s very hard for me to admit because I don’t want to be like that.

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I fully expected not to leave the fire without my babies in my arms. If I’m not responsible for my children, who is?

When you think about it, Life is a series of choices. And the choices are ours. Yours may not be as dramatic as mine but you have to admit every day and every night we are bombarded with choices.

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It’s why some of us can’t sleep.

There are things that happen to us in life that are not our choice. Like Ryan dying in the fire, or somebody ‘gets’ cancer. They didn’t choose it.

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But that’s when we learn the deepest truth about choices. It doesn’t matter nearly enough what happens to us as what we do with ‘what happens to us.’

dawn

Grief · wounded healer · wounded Mother

A Mother’s #1 job

dawnhirn2 Comments

A Mother’s number one job is Not to ”secure your own mask before securing the mask of your child.”

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Job numero uno is to take a round from a rifle for your kid. Like it or not, Moms, we are their saviors. As I’ve said before, I wanted to save my seven-and-a-half son, Ryan, from the fire. Not only did I not save him, I never got to him. I ran.

Ryan burned to death.

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 No mother could fail more completely.  And I will never get over it however old I get.        I hear what you’re saying:

‘‘It was an accident, Dawn.”’

“You did the best you could, Dawn.”

”Ryan is better off, Dawn.”

“Imagine all the future problems God protected Ryan from, Dawn!”

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Is that all you got? Fuggedaboutit! There is nothing you can say that I haven’t heard already. And this tragedy cannot be understood unless you are a member of a very small sorority of mothers whose young child died violently. (It’s the Sorority nobody rushes!) 

It has taken me seventeen years (6,205 nights) to say what I’ve said to you today. What have I learned?

God is the President of our Sorority.

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dawn

 

Encouragement · Hope · Parenting · wounded Mother

An Attitude of Gratitude

dawnhirn2 Comments

If I have to choose my favorite of the  ‘7 things I learned from my son,” (previous post) it would be the first one,  “Appreciate Life.” Or, another way to say it is ‘living an attitude of Gratitude.’

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When Ryan died, I came to a real crossroads in my way of understanding life. The first road I traveled was: “the accident as highway robbery.” There was nothing ‘right’ about it. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. Ryan was stolen from us.

Ryan
Ryan

 

Quite a few years later, I stumbled onto the second road. It was a whole new way of understanding loss. The fact that we had one day with Ryan was a gift because the truth is we didn’t deserve even a day with Ryan.

You get what I’m saying?  That every day we spent with him was a little miracle for our family. Think about it, we had 2567 days with him.

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Xmas 2000

How can that be wrong?

To look at something this horrendous thru the lense of gratitude is life-changing. It would have been easier to be cynical (nothing ever really works out the way you want it) but I am not.

Here’s an idea: why don’t you put on your gratitude glasses and look at your life? It can change the way you see the worst of the worst.

I’m living proof.

Dawn

 

Grief · Hope · wounded healer · wounded Mother

“7 Things I learned from my son”

dawnhirn1 Comment

There’s no way in Hell that I would have considered doing the mommy job of preparing the funeral for my baby boy. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally, not psychologically, not spiritually, not nothingly. It’ll take everything I’ve got to sit thru it.

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Ryan’s funeral could have been the ‘worst of the worst nights of my life.’

But Ron saved the day. He got his heartbroken self up in front of everyone, and told them the “7 things I learned from my Son.” Let me tell you some of what he said that afternoon.

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“When my son, Ryan, came along, I prided myself on teaching him the alphabet and soccer and flattered myself that I was a good teacher, but as I look back I now see that I was actually still learning and that I was still learning more important lessons than I was teaching.

Lesson 1- Appreciate Life

Lesson 2- Smiles are Infectious

Lesson 3- Explore your world

Lesson 4- Don’t take yourself too seriously

Lesson 5- Don’t confuse intelligence with experience

Lesson 6- Charity means giving when it hurts

Lesson 7- …and the greatest of these is Love.”

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Ryan

 

That, my friends, should tell you the kind of son we enjoyed in Ryan.

dawn