Perfecting Dysfunction · wounded healer · wounded Mother

Taking a bullet for your child

I swore that I would take a bullet for my sons.

But when it came down to it, I ducked. I knew I would take that bullet, but when it comes down to it our instinct is to save ourselves. That’s very hard for me to admit because I don’t want to be like that.

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I fully expected not to leave the fire without my babies in my arms. If I’m not responsible for my children, who is?

When you think about it, Life is a series of choices. And the choices are ours. Yours may not be as dramatic as mine but you have to admit every day and every night we are bombarded with choices.

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It’s why some of us can’t sleep.

There are things that happen to us in life that are not our choice. Like Ryan dying in the fire, or somebody ‘gets’ cancer. They didn’t choose it.

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But that’s when we learn the deepest truth about choices. It doesn’t matter nearly enough what happens to us as what we do with ‘what happens to us.’

dawn

8 thoughts on “Taking a bullet for your child

  1. My son was severely burned in a fire accident in 2016. I was able to use my body to suffocate the flames but I too live with guilt. It happend in my yard and on my watch. I was a helicopter parent and things like that don’t happen to people like me. I often blame myself because what if I was faster? What if I had of stayed outside instead of using the bathroom? Or, maybe I should of ripped off my hoodie, maybe that would of saved his face? If we could go back in time we would always do things differently. What I would give to just go back in time. My son is alive today but there is a part of him that I’ve lost forever. He lost his charm, his wit, his innocence, his carefree attitude, his perception of the world, self image, confidence, and much of his memory. I now live with a new form of my son that often leaves me in a state of depression. It is hell to physically see someone everyday that is not mentally there. People tell me that I should be thankful that he’s still here and I am. But, that doesn’t change the fact that I should of been smarter and prevented it. My son will continue to suffer because of my actions and or lack of for the rest of his life.

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    1. I’m so sorry for what your family has gone thru and still going thru. I certainly understand how you feel. I wish I didn’t. It’s hard to know what to say to you because only you understand what you’ve been thru. What I do see in you, though, is courage and perspective. Courage to face your feelings, perspective in recognizing that you are more than your guilt and more than your grief. You are a good mother to your son. I don’t have to know you to know that.
      I’m sure you’ve discovered that the ‘stages of grief’ that we go thru are like a river, and you know you can’t push that river. Let the current take you where it will, around every bend, avoiding the rocks if you can, and notice that you are being carried by an invisible force of Love.
      I believe in you.

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  2. I have been looking for a response to your testimony but have never found any words. To this I can easily respond that you have turned this tragic event in your life into countless blessings to more people than you can even amagine. The good you have done and continue to do in Ryan’s memory is a blessing as well as a reminder to everyone that God has this. I sure miss you and the family.

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  3. I’m so thankful to have met you. Your words are devastating to read but are like food for the soul. Your an inspiration of hope, renewal and strength. Love you!

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  4. You took the bullet. You didn’t duck. You live with the pain of the bullet that is still lodged in your heart. You are good and your family is blessed to have you. Peace be with you.

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