Encouragement · Hope

The anonymous injustice of life

I’ve always felt that life was unfair.

unfair

A blind man could see that.

Then came the accident and Ryan’s violent death, which proved, beyond a reasonable doubt that I was right: life is unfair.

Do you think life singles us out?

Or, that life is fundamentally against us?  

If that’s true, how can we ever Hope?

For years, I was paralyzed by the anonymous injustice of life.

I mean, is there anybody in charge out there?

I felt all helpless because I’d woken up so many times, only to realize there is no magic wand that fixes everything.wand

The magic was gone.

So, since life is unfair, what do we do?

We Hope again.

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Hoping. Again.

We have to.

It’s in our DNA.

Living without Hope takes away the now-ness of life, and wipes out the future.

But Hope, that beautiful four-letter word, restores our Faith.

I’m living proof!

dawn

Family · Hope

A total eclipse of me

As far as I know, I’ve never really been afraid of the dark.Screen Shot 2019-04-10 at 9.08.27 PM

That’s because I was born without the experience of Fear.

I outranked Fear.

When there would be a noise in the kitchen, my brothers and sisters would hide under the covers, while I would go downstairs alone to investigate.

Then, Ryan died, and Fear barged into my world.

It was like I was stuck inside a total eclipse of me.

I couldn’t see me.

I couldn’t feel me.

It was like when ‘’the lights went out on Broadway.’’bulb

And, I was lights-out in my heart.

I’d think the best thing I could do for everybody concerned was to swallow a bottle of pills and die.

Then, the sun would come up and my little Tyler would touch my arm.

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me and tyler

And I would know, “I’m still here!”

dawn

 

Faith · Hope · wounded Mother

When Faith comes to town

One of 2 things happen when we decide to trust God:ff at 9:11.jpeg

  1. It can blow our private world view apart, shaking the foundations of the world we live in and the world that lives in us.                                                                            Sometimes it shoves us down under the rubble at our private ground zero, searching for any signs of life there.

Or,

      2. Faith can gather together all our loose ends.

Funny how Faith is like Crazy Glue.

It holds everything together.

I know it seems like the coming of God into our lives would be a peaceful, easy thing.

But consider what Faith has blown apart in our lives. IMG_5046

For me, it was the old world I’d been living in. It was the world that was not working in my present life.Screen Shot 2019-02-20 at 3.35.33 PM

My adolescent Faith with an adolescent God was not working anymore.

Faith blew it apart and made a space for Grace.

Grace in the shape of an Accident.

dawn

 

 

Hope you’ll join me on my daily IG @dawnraymondhirn

Encouragement · Faith · Hope · Parenting

My God was too small

My relationship with God had never been challenged before the accident.

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Tyler’s baptism ’99

My faith was on autopilot.

I never really needed that much from God.

My life was mostly of joy.

Ron and I baptized the kids, said our prayers, and went to church.

We even put two kids in religious school.

What more could God want?

We were a happy household until the accident.

That’s when I learned that my God was too small and If I was to survive everything I had to find a bigger God.

It all started with the question of heaven.

I knew that if I didn’t believe in heaven I’d never see Ryan again.

So I took a leap of faith.Screen Shot 2019-02-20 at 2.38.24 PM

It seemed like the next natural move.

We’ll dig into it next week…

dawn

 

Encouragement · Grief · Hope · wounded healer

Winter to Spring

It looks like I’m pondering in this pic. fullsizeoutput_457f.jpeg 

And I guess I am.

I’m pondering the weather.

When everything turns cold and bare, some of us tend to believe that it’s winter in our souls too.

It’s a kind of winter that seems like it will never end.

All the leaves on our Tree of Hope are gone, and we feel barren.

I have to admit that when Ryan was killed in the fire, it took years before there was anything green growing on my bare branches.

It’s when you think you have only one season in your life–winter.

And you get to where you stop expecting springtime and stay under the covers to sleep it off.

Maybe you’ve heard the voices in your head that keep saying, “Don’t get up, don’t get up!”

Can you identify?download

Or, is it like you have only one word in your vocabulary;  “Unfair!”

And it repeats like an echo.

Girl, I do understand the unfairness of life, and feeling like you’ve been robbed of your future.

You might be close to giving in or giving up.

That’s the bad news, but here’s the good news…Spring always follows Winter.

It’s as perennial as perennials.

And Spring is best spent with somebody you love. (“I” to “We”)

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Tyler(3)

Dawn

 

These are my thoughts today. Please join my daily Instagram @dawnraymondhirn

 

Encouragement · Family · Hope

2019: Already in your heart!

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Some of us are just getting over the Christmas rush. I find that there is so much rushing around that we miss what’s going on in the moment. We spend so much of December focusing on the 25th that everything around it becomes a blur.  We end up letting our lists control our days and nights.

It reminds me of the play “Our Town” by Thornton Wilder where Emily, age 12, gets to come back to earth for one day. Nobody can hear or see her but she just watches her family and all her friends rush thru their daily routines. As her day ends she asks one question:

“Does anyone ever realize life while they live it…every, every minute?”

What Emily asks really hits me hard.

 I think about Ryan and I sometimes hear him asking me the same question, “Do you ever slow down, Mom, enough to see what’s going on?”

We all want to live in the present but nobody really does it.  Every month dozens of books about “Living in the Present” fly out of cyberspace and into mailboxes around the world. It’s an every-year resolution for many of us.

We are less than a week away from 2019. Another opportunity to begin again. The slate is not exactly clean because what we went through this past year really happened. But we have the chance to turn the page and begin a new chapter…and right there is the clean slate we’re all looking for!

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Colton, Tyler, Trenton

The New Year is already there in your heart. It is in your hands.

Happy 2019, Everyone!

dawn

 

 

Encouragement · Grief · Hope · wounded Mother

True Confession: My private ride on the Grief Train

Remember all the Stops: Denial, Anger, Depression, Survival. Acceptance.

I realize my grief is a little unusual–the grief of losing a child.

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It’s against the natural order that parents outlive their children.

The death of a child is unnatural and unfair.

It never occurred to me that I would bury my son.

It came out of nowhere.

And so for me, Depression lasted for years and years(12 years).

On the outside, no one could tell.

Not even me.

I acted my way thru so much during the first 12 years: the death of my father 6 months after Ryan; the births of my third and fourth sons; and our family’s move from Texas to Alabama.

Everything was on autopilot. My Depression happened on such a subconscious level that I couldn’t recognize it or name it.

But the symptoms were there: lack of interest,  low energy, and no creativity.

So, I got off the Train at the Survival Stop, built a home and am living there now.

railroad

When you’re just surviving, the best thing you can do is survive, while fully functioning.

On our Train, Survival is a full Stop, and Acceptance is something I’ll take up later with the good Lord.

I’m surviving, but I’m not accepting Ryan’s death.

Maker:0x4c,Date:2017-12-6,Ver:4,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar01,E-ve
Tyler’s HS Graduation ’18

 

 

I just can’t get there now, besides, I know the neighborhood here.

I’m not lost.

dawn