“You don’t say that to people,” my mom would say.  You say “excuse me.”

I don’t mean that kind of move.  I mean the kind of move you scream at yourself after you go through the tragedy of losing a child.  And the reason I say “move” is because you can’t.  You’re stuck.   Does that make me a sadist?  Nope.  Just a realist.  Because the only positive way out of tragedy requires a step up, and that is the last step you want to make.

You cannot simply erase the circumstance that has brought you to this level, by walking away.    Why should you deserve that luxury, when the person you lost couldn’t?  But meanwhile, you are dragging down all those who love you – those who follow you, those who walk beside you and those you lead.

Losing Ryan was beyond anything I had ever feared or imagined, and if I stepped away from that place of tragedy  I was certain it would be a terrible disservice to him.   But God had given me this precious child – not given really, lent him to me for a time.  It just happened that God’s timetable was different than mine.

Ryan is safe now, completely healed, walking, running all-boy in Heaven.  God’s promises have made me sure of that.   I was left here for a purpose.  I still have things to do,  to try to be a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend, but also to encourage others who are walking this lonely gully.    I am qualified now, not by degree or title, but as a silent graduate of the school of loss.   Bit by bit I may have these things taken away from me too.  I’m not a fatalist – just a realist.

When you are stuck in a downward spiral, pray about it.  But be ready to take the first step in a positive direction, out of your comfort zone of personal pity, into the unknown.  Put yourself and those who love you back on the road to discovery. Head toward the gifts God has left you  — toward a hopeful expectation of joy.

Move.

Have a great weekend.

Dawn