I’m a mom who lost her oldest son in a car fire when he was 7-years-old. 

One of the things I think back on is that I never wanted children in the first place.

I guess I could tell you that if we’d never had Ryan, we would never have lost Ryan.

I’ve thought plenty about that over the years.

Does it sound crazy to you?

Every time I think that way I always judge myself as a ‘failure-Mom.’

But I’m changing.

That dark thought has basically disappeared deep into my psychic basement. 

 

Today is Ryan’s birthday.

He’d be 25.

He’d be out of college, and working somewhere in his own business, being his own boss.

Our little boy was very social from the start; he just naturally loved people. 

And he cared about them, almost to a fault.

Here’s what I think: If Ryan could’ve had his dream job, it would have only one focus: out of the wealth he created he would be “Generous’’ professionally.

He would work so he could give away money to help others.

Of course, I’ve got a Ryan story for you.

It’s our lucky day! A gift to you from Ryan on his birthday today, October 3rd. 

(Story) Eighteen years ago…in fact, it was on our last night ever with Ryan, he was killed the next afternoon.

We went to a dinner party at a friend’s house that Friday night.

We came in and looked to see who all was there.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ryan walking toward our priest. They talked for a second and Ryan handed something to the priest.

I later found out it was a five-dollar bill. 

Ryan said to Father Jerry: “Give this to the poor children.” 

I remembered our previous conversation in the car on the way over that night.

Ryan had told us he was still several dollars short of getting his Gameboy he’d been saving for.

That’s where the five dollars came from.

I’m crying as I write this.

In the past eighteen years, I believe with my whole heart that Ryan was created especially for me, and I was created for him, even if we’d only had a year together.

But we had seven! Did you hear what I said? We had SEVEN YEARS TOGETHER!

Happy Birthday, punkin!

I love you.

mom